take-aways

• “Crucial conversations” are needed when the outcome is important, when people disagree and when emotions are heated.
• To excel at crucial conversations, you must master the art of engaging in dialogue.
• To promote effective dialogue, make everyone feel safe expressing what they want to say.

Focus on what you want to achieve to create a productive dialogue.

• To elicit more information so you can make better decisions, create a “shared pool” of ideas and understandings.
• Recognize a crucial conversation by noting certain physical, emotional and behavioural signs.
• Two essential mutual safety conditions for any dialogue are “purpose” and “respect.”
  • Avoid making someone feel unsafe in a conversation by ensuring that they know you respect them as individuals.
• Control your emotions in a dialogue to stay on task.
• State what you want, explore what others need, and move on to action.
• Use one of four decision-making methods: “command, consult, vote or consensus.”
• Crucial conversations can often devolve into shouting matches. However, if you learn the right skills, you can master these dialogues and achieve optimal results from them, noticeably improving your personal and professional life.
• focus on respect
• it’s okay to ask
  • When you feel your emotions flaring up, ask the other person if your interpretation of their behaviour is right before freaking out
• If you understand the subconversations within a difficult conversation, you will be able to manage the issues more effectively.
• Never assume that you understand someone else’s motives.
• Instead of trying to assign blame, consider how harnessing the associated anger will help you prevent a bad outcome in future.
• Learn to see the “third story,” the impartial account, rather than fighting over whose story is true.
• Venting your feelings is not useful. Describing them carefully can be.
• Don’t try to control other people’s responses.
• You aren’t perfect, and neither is anyone else.
• The best way to get someone to listen to you is to listen to them first.
• Reframing a difficult conversation is a great way to defuse it.
• Pick your difficult conversations carefully. You won’t live long enough to have them all.
• Difficult conversations are often avoided because you fear the results. The “What Happened?”, Feelings and Identity Conversations can be transformed into Learning Conversations by focusing on curiosity, sharing feelings and refraining from blaming each other. Keeping these things in mind and telling a Third Story will help you and the person you’re talking to have a meaningful conversation
• Pay attention to your inner voice.
  • Your inner voice is that little sound in your head that remarks on everything you hear, do and read. Sometimes that voice can grow in volume and overpower the voices of others. Instead of muting it, first, listen to it. This way, you’ll discover your true thoughts and train to listen more attentively to others.

“Crucial conversations” are needed when the outcome is important, when people disagree and when emotions are heated.

• Crucial conversations are those everyday interactions that significantly affect your life. They differ from ordinary dialogues because the participants’ opinions vary, their emotions are high, and the stakes are significant. How you deal with these important discussions can have positive or negative results and change the course of your life. Some examples of crucial conversations include breaking up or reconciling with a partner, giving your boss feedback or asking for a pay rise. Often, people shy away from such conversations or handle them poorly. The best way to deal with such situations is to face and handle the conversation skillfully.
• Research with more than 20,000 people in hundreds of organizations showed that influential people – those who have successfully achieved their goals and built strong personal and professional relationships – develop an ability to handle crucial conversations effectively. They are skilled in discussing difficult, controversial, high-stakes topics. Cultivating that ability will improve your career prospects, relationships and health. You will increase productivity in your company because you will be better equipped to deal with challenging working relationship topics.

To excel at crucial conversations, you must master the art of engaging in dialogue.

• At the heart of mastering crucial conversations is the ability to engage in dialogue. Essentially, this means you can open interaction and converse freely with another person.

• For example, a corporate vice president once had reservations about the CEO’s wish to move to a new location. Others in the firm feared the move but also were afraid to speak up. At a crucial meeting, the VP expressed his concerns in a quiet yet powerfully diplomatic way. The CEO then realized that he had been trying to force his opinion on others and gracefully backed down.

• Since a successful conversation depends upon the participants providing information and sharing knowledge, sharing information leads to smarter decisions. Even the smartest people are more prone to making mistakes when they don’t have all the necessary information.

To elicit more information so you can make better decisions, create a “shared pool” of ideas and understandings.

• When two or more people enter a crucial conversation, they don’t share the same thoughts and opinions. Masters of dialogue create an atmosphere where everyone feels safe about adding his or her views to the shared pool of ideas being expressed. Even if someone’s ideas seem wrong, step out of line with prevailing beliefs or provoke controversy, he or she should feel free to articulate them.

Creating this “Pool of Shared Meaning” enables people to make better choices and decisions since they have more accurate, relevant input and information. The process may take time, but the decision will be more valuable.

• When people participate in shaping the meaning of an event, they are more willing to implement its outcome. They act faster and with more commitment. Building this pool of shared meaning by making it safe for others to open up and express themselves is the key to engaging in dialogue in a crucial conversation. Keep your own goals and interests in mind so you can guide the dialogue toward those goals while also considering what others want.

• Furthermore, people are more likely to fully commit to solutions resulting from an open dialogue where ideas and information are freely shared. When we see how a solution has been distilled from the available ideas, we’re more likely to be convinced that it’s the best solution.

• Conversely, we tend to resist decisions made without our consultation. We’re more likely to commit to ideas we don’t agree with as long as we can participate in the discussion.

To promote effective dialogue, make everyone feel safe in expressing what they want to say.

• So, how do you master the art of fruitful dialogue? The first step is to “take a long hard look at yourself” and your conversational style. Then “start with the heart.” This means ensuring you engage in a crucial conversation for all the right reasons and concentrating on your goals.

Focus on what you want to achieve to create a productive dialogue.

• Keep your focus in one of two ways: First, know exactly what you want. This centers your concentration on your goals. When you are engaged in a crucial conversation, you need to ask what you want for yourself, for others and your relationship with the other parties in the discussion. Look to your code, your “North Star,” for guidance.

• Second, avoid the “Sucker’s Choice” trap. This occurs when you think you can only choose between two bad options, A and B. However, a better choice, C, is usually available through dialogue if you focus on what you want to achieve.

• To prevent yourself from becoming overly emotional, take a brief moment to focus on what you want to achieve from the dialogue. Ask yourself questions like: What is my aim here? What information do I want to ensure I articulate to my conversational partner?

• After identifying what you want from the conversation, you can shift your focus to identifying what you don’t want. In other words, what is the one thing you want to avoid in a conversation? You’re liable to want to avoid walking away from it empty-handed ‒ otherwise, you wouldn’t be engaging in a dialogue, to begin with!

• For example, if you want to tell your partner something that might upset them, think: What do I want? What do I want to avoid? This simple exercise can help you rationally convey information and keep everyone calm, thus allowing you to say what needs to be said without risking a flying vase to the face.

Recognize a crucial conversation by noting certain physical, emotional and behavioural signs.

• To know when a crucial conversation is looming, you must learn to watch out for signs that your discussion is becoming unhealthy. Pay attention to the “content of the conversation” while simultaneously perceiving the “conditions,” such as other participants’ actions, reactions and tone of voice. This pre-emptive protective measure is a form of “social first aid.” To invoke the dialogue process successfully, respond quickly – before emotions mount – to keep it from turning into a casualty case. Avoid engaging in a high-stakes exchange that turns into an argument.
• Three key signs will tell you that it is time to act before the conversation becomes a problem:
  • Your discussion involves high stakes, heightened emotions and differing opinions – These are sure signs that your conversation is becoming crucial. Look for physical signals, such as your stomach tightening up; for emotional signals, such as feeling scared, hurt or angry; or for behaviour cues, such as raising your voice or pointing your finger.
  • People show signs of feeling unsafe – They may become silent or reluctant to speak their minds to protect themselves. Alternatively, they may show signs of aggression, manifesting in name-calling or threatening and domineering behaviour.
  • You feel yourself becoming stressed – Take heed if you react silently (by masking your feelings or withdrawing) or violently (by being overly controlling or verbally attacking the person you are speaking to).
• people display telltale signs of aggression when they feel unsafe in a conversation. These behaviours can typically be broken down into two categories: silent and violent
  • You can identify a silent reaction when people start to deliberately hide their opinions in a conversation. A good example is a sarcasm, in which an opinion is deliberately (and obviously) hidden. For instance, someone might tell you, “Wow, what a flattering shirt! No one will ever think it’s three sizes too small for you!”
  • You can identify a silent reaction when people start to deliberately hide their opinions in a conversation. A good example is a sarcasm, in which an opinion is deliberately (and obviously) hidden. For instance, someone might tell you, “Wow, what a flattering shirt! No one will ever think it’s three sizes too small for you!”

Two essential mutual safety conditions for any dialogue are “common purpose” and “mutual respect.”

• To have an effective dialogue, create an atmosphere where self-expression feels safe for you and the other party. Construct a sense of security when others fall silent or seem to be moving toward anger or violence. Once you see either condition developing, remove yourself from the conversation. Let tensions cool and return to a starting point of mutual concerns.

• When everyone feels safe again, return to the issue at hand. Two major safety risks can occur, and they require different responses. The first is “mutual purpose,” which can be a casualty of a crucial conversation if others believe you have “malicious intent” or think you want to harm them. Then they won’t trust your motives. In response, look for a united purpose so that others will be willing to listen to your concerns. For example, explain to your boss how his behaviour may hamper productivity.

• The second major safety risk, “mutual respect,” manifests when people sense you are being insolent toward them. As a result, they start to defend their dignity. In response, apologize for any actions that may have shown contempt and emphasize that you respect them.

• Consider this case: A factory employee team has worked through the night to prepare for a site visit from the division vice president. When the VP arrives, he wants to meet with you to discuss the firm’s future rather than conduct a plant tour. You have not communicated this change of plan to the expectant workers, who now have laboured through the night for no reason. When you come face-to-face with them, they irately confront you. “That’s the last time we’re busting our hump for you,” they assert. How should you react? Don’t go on the defensive. Step back and think. Realize that the workers’ anger is a “sign of violated safety.” If you feel mutual intent or respect has gone awry, apologize for the misunderstanding.

• Reinforce your sentiments by using the “contrast technique.” This involves first saying what you did not mean to communicate and then following it up with your intended meaning. For instance, “The last thing I wanted to do was communicate that I don’t value your work…I think your work has been nothing short of spectacular.” Explain what you want. If you are arguing at cross purposes, use the CRIB technique to frame a mutual purpose: “Commit” to find a mutual purpose, “recognize” an existing purpose or “invent” a new one, and “brainstorm” new approaches and strategies.

Control your emotions in a dialogue to stay on task.

• When you get annoyed, you are reacting to external events. Therefore, you are making yourself mad, not anybody else. “You and only you create your emotions.” Master your feelings when you are angry, afraid or hurt by following these four steps:

  • “See/hear” – Start with the facts as you understand them.
  • “Tell a story” – Explain to yourself what’s happening.
  • “Feel” – Experience certain emotions in response to this knowledge.
  • “Act” – Take steps based on your feelings and understandings.

• To gain complete control over your emotions, retrace this path, one step at a time. Reflect on, question and possibly change one or more elements. Notice the emotions underlying your actions.

• Examine the stories you tell to determine if your feelings are appropriate and productive. Reconfirm the facts. Recognize your role and motives in creating problems. Beware especially of three kinds of tales:

  • “Victim sagas” – You claim another person is harming you and is at fault.
  • “Villain stories” – You see the other person as having negative motives.
  • “Helpless stories” – You depict yourself as unable to resolve a problem.

• To get what you want, replace stories that trigger negative emotions with stories that provoke positive feelings.

• Manage your emotions by ensuring that you’ve gotten the facts straight before you interpret

  • ask yourself whether you’re misinterpreting someone’s words whenever you start to feel your emotions flare up. And be sure to separate your explanation from your emotional response so you can stay level-headed

State what you want, explore what others need, and move on to action.

• Now that you have reined in your emotions, you can effectively express your position. Speak to persuade others, but don’t be abrasive, especially when you are involved in controversial or risky discussions. Share your information with confidence, humility and skill. When you are confident, you can speak candidly to say what needs to be said. Humility demonstrates your openness to other people’s opinions, and skill is your ability to speak about touchy subjects with honesty.
• Use the “STATE” acronym as a guide in knowing what to say and how: “Share” what you know to be true, “Tell” the story you want to present, “Ask” others to express their stories or paths, “Talk” cautiously and “Encourage” others to speak so you can test the impact your views had on your audience.
• Mastering crucial conversations also involves listening to others, even when they blow up in anger or shut down in silence. First, ask them to express their point of view. Then (metaphorically), “hold a mirror up to them” to show how you perceive their argument – including body language and tone of voice. Calmly “paraphrase” what you have heard. This creates safety. If you feel the conversation is going nowhere, “prime” the other person into opening up by stating what you believe others may be thinking.
• Remember your ABCs: “Agree” with others where you can, “Build” on what has been said with complete information and “Compare” your path with the other party’s path.
• Make others feel safe in a conversation by creating an atmosphere where they feel their opinions are valued
  • Start by showing your conversation partner that you care about what’s making them unhappy. Ask them about their motives and, where necessary, confront them on their behaviour
  • Once they start to open up, encourage them to go on by paraphrasing what they’ve said.
  • Sometimes, however, you might be in a position where you disagree with what your conversation partner tells you. Sometimes, however, you might be in a position where you disagree with what your conversation partner tells you

Use one of four decision-making methods: “command, consult, vote or consensus.”

• Finally, turn your conversation into a good decision and mutually accepted united action.
• To do so, choose from these four methods of decision-making:
  • “Command” – Allow someone you believe will make a good decision to decide.
  • “Consult” – Ask others for their input to influence you before you decide.
  • “Vote” – Agree to whatever most people want.
  • “Consensus” – Debate the decision until all parties agree on one solution.
• Choose the approach that seems most suitable to the particular situation, so you end up with a clear conclusion. Specify who does what and when. Indicate what follow-up actions you expect. Note the commitments people have made and hold them responsible for their promises.

The “Three Conversations”

• Do you ever avoid certain people because you don’t want to have a conversation that you need to have? As you imagine how the conversation might play out, do you feel queasy and apprehensive? This is a normal reaction, but avoiding difficult conversations is not the solution. In fact, often it will make things worse. Yet, experience tells you that having the conversation will create a very uncomfortable situation. You wrestle with different approaches and look for just the right diplomatic language to avoid a confrontation.
• However, certain methods can help you deal with this circumstance. Every conversation has a three-part structure, even if the participants don’t realize that such an underlying framework exists. The structure is built on conversations within the conversation. Understanding these internal conversations can help you avoid the pain of letting difficult talks run their usual course.
• The first part of a conversation is “What Happened?” This section, which is about assigning blame and fault, and asserting dominance, can lead to struggles and bad feelings.
• The second part is about “Feelings.” Whose feelings are appropriate? Do you have a right to your feelings? Do other people have a right to theirs? Often, the conversation does not specifically address the participants’ feelings, but these emotions inform it, and determine its intensity and course.
• The third part is about “Identity,” which is internal to each person. Are you right or wrong? Are you to blame? Do you deserve love?
• If the conversation threatens your sense of self, shifting your stance to try to regain your balance is natural, even if it does not help the outcome of the conversation.

The Complete Truth?

• When you experience conflict in the “what happened” part of a conversation, the battle is usually about whose version of the truth is true, who had better intentions and how to assign blame. These ideas are illogical. No one has access to the complete truth. No one can know another’s intentions. Surmising just makes things worse.
• In this subconversation, each side is certain that the other side is the problem. Worse still, the participants are sure that the other side’s position has no validity and must be abandoned. In reality, both sides have imperfect understandings of the issues, causes and events involved. If they stop exploring the available information, both sides can learn about the other’s perspective and reach an improved outcome. The key isn’t necessarily to synthesize the positions but to embrace both ideas. Try to change your position to a more complex stance closer to reality. Even when you are certain you are right, remaining open-minded is worthwhile because the conversation is generally not really about the subject you are so sure that you have nailed.
• Don’t believe that you understand someone else’s intentions. That is a trap. The other person often doesn’t understand his or her actions either. As you reflect on the intentions you ascribe to others, can you see a touch of self-justification in your judgment? Explaining your pure motives is also a mistake. Don’t assume that because the other person now understands that you meant well, the impact of your act no longer matters. You probably know what it is like to have your intentions impugned because someone is angry about the results. The fact that you did not intend your act to harm the other person may teach you a lesson in how to treat others.
• When you are part of a bad situation, you soon realize how you contributed to the mess. You wish you hadn’t, but you did. If you bring the wrong materials to a major presentation, blaming your assistant for packing the wrong stuff is easy, but don’t you deserve some blame, too, for not double and triple-checking everything before such an important event?
• Isn’t your real goal to ensure this mix-up doesn’t happen again? How will making others feel awful and resentful help you get it right next time? Instead, explore each person’s contribution to the problem and determine what each of you can do to ensure a better outcome in the future. This is not easy when feelings are running high, and the embarrassment is fresh, so wait until you regain control of your emotions.
• Turn the “What Happened” Conversation into a Learning Conversation by focusing on curiosity, impact and contribution.
  • First, try to figure out where your opponent is coming from. Instead of, “How on earth can this person be so irrational?” think, “Wow, this person looks at the same situation and comes to completely different conclusions. I wonder what her perspective looks like. Does she know something I don’t? Or has she considered aspects I’ve not thought of?” This will steer you away from feeling offended and toward genuine interest when someone disagrees with your opinion
  • Second, don’t assume the person you’re conversing with has bad intentions. Instead, focus on their actions
  • Third, stop blaming others and start figuring out everyone’s contribution.
    • Blaming someone else won’t solve anything – it’s a backward-looking tactic that focuses on judgment and incites resentment.
    • Instead, sit down with the other person and try to work through the situation together. Try asking, “How did the two of us contribute to this mess?” followed by, “What can we both do to change the situation and move forward?”

use feelings constructively

• Difficult conversations always involve feelings. That is why they are difficult. People block out their feelings to avoid the discomfort of dealing with raging emotions and heated words. You may fool yourself into thinking you can find an objective emotional space. After all, you see yourself as the unbiased party in this argument, although you may be deceiving yourself. Inevitably, your emotions will break through this wall and compromise your “objectivity.” You will find it almost impossible to listen to the other person until you acknowledge your feelings.

• Knowing your emotional patterns is important. Even a good person can have inappropriate and destructive emotions. The other party also has emotions that you need to understand.

Learn to find and comprehend the emotions behind the accusations, blame and judgments. Understand that you can negotiate with your feelings and describe them without giving in to them. Don’t think expressing your feelings is the same as constructively dealing with them. Dealing with emotions often matters most at the end of difficult conversations.

• Improve the Feelings Conversation by exploring, negotiating and sharing your feelings
  • First, let’s find out what’s happening deep down. You can do this by exploring your emotional footprint. This is your way of reacting emotionally, guided by what you consider ok to express and what you believe is better kept to yourself
    • Ask yourself questions such as, “How did you learn to categorize some feelings as inappropriate?” “How did you handle feelings as a child?” and “Did your partner scold you for being ‘needy’ when you craved intimacy?”
  • Next, you have to negotiate those feelings. Feelings aren’t constant – they change depending on our perceptions
    • Like in the “What Happened?” In conversation, you need to focus on curiosity, impact and contribution.
    • If you’re constantly arguing with your partner, it might be worthwhile to ask yourself, “Do I make assumptions about his intentions? Do I blame him and ignore my impact?”
    • After you address your assumptions, you’ll start to feel differently about the situation
  • The last step is to thoughtfully share your feelings – both good and bad –.
    • If you just throw your pent-up emotions at the other person, you’ll make a difficult conversation worse. When correctly expressing yourself, you need to let both the good and the bad out.

Sense of Identity

• You may avoid difficult conversations because you fear the other party’s response could undermine your sense of self in some critical way. Consider the existence of this fear as you think about the difficult conversations you have avoided in the past. Fear of hearing the other side challenge your competence, deny your sense that you are a good person, or assert that you are unworthy of appreciation or love can lead to paralysis of shattering proportions.

• Explore and understand your complex sense of identity more completely. As you determine how the conversation will affect the other party, realize that his or her identity is similarly complex. Give up trying to control other people’s responses, but prepare yourself for their reactions within various possibilities. If you can admit that you are imperfect, that your intentions are mixed and complicated, and that your actions contributed to the problem, you will have taken a big step toward dealing with your identity.

• Focus on the intricacies of the Identity Conversation and refrain from controlling others’ reactions

  • you tend to judge yourself in absolute terms: competent or useless, mean or kind, capable or incapable of being loved. Absolute terms such as these are limiting because nothing’s black and white, and as a result, you can quickly get confused about your own identity
  • Instead, reflect on the fact that your identity comprises many components. Think about the different traits that you deem important – characteristics that you’re proud of and afraid of losing
  • Once you figure out which parts of your identity you value the most, you can begin to build complexities
  • Another way to enhance the Identity Conversation is by balancing yourself during the talk. To do so, give up the notion that you can control the other person’s reactions. Abandoning that thought makes it easier to focus and remain on course. You might think that your partner won’t get angry if you say something in a particular way. But the truth is you can never predict these reactions. Once you come to terms with that, unexpected reactions won’t be as unsettling

Choosing Your Conversation

• You simply cannot engage in every difficult conversation that presents itself. You don’t have enough time and most of these confrontations simply aren’t worth the effort. So, how do you pick and choose? No hard and fast rules can help you here. Essentially, you must decide which difficult conversations are worth the trouble for yourself.

• When you consider engaging someone in a difficult conversation, begin with the three sub-conversations – what happened, feelings and identity – and see if your purpose makes sense. If not, don’t pursue it. Ask yourself if the real conflict is personal or if you are trying to solve a temporary problem in a way that will have lingering consequences. Consider alternative methods of dealing with the issue. Perhaps you can do something to relieve the situation that provides a better result than you could get from a conversation.

• One healthy response is simply to learn to let go. Your duty is to step in with your best efforts, not to make the world a better place. You have limitations, and so does the other party. Don’t make everything personal. It isn’t always about you, who you are or what you have done. Learn the other party’s story. Express (without venting) your view on the situation. Share your feelings by describing – not demonstrating – how you feel. Seek to work with the other party to solve the issue together.

The Third Story

• Don’t jump into a difficult conversation with your eyes closed. This will agitate the other party, who will respond with his or her story and attack yours. Nothing gets heard, nothing gets accomplished, and everyone gets upset. Instead, consider both sides and the other side’s story without rejecting it outright.

• Now, imagine yourself as a third party who has to try to discern what is going on. What you hear as a mediator isn’t either party’s story but a third story. Once someone recounts the third story, each side feels able to step back and explore the other’s account. Now, the participants can share their versions without feeling threatened or antagonistic. As you work through such conversations, notice that they aren’t about who is right or wrong; they are about differing information, priorities and perspectives.

• If you can make the other person feel heard and understood, you will resolve many issues promptly because listening changes the conversation. Instead of resisting other people, you are affirming them and helping them deal with their concerns. If you practice listening to others – with authentic curiosity – you will learn that it helps others listen to you. If you complain to a professional counsellor that someone won’t listen to you, the counsellor is likely to tell you to listen more so you can be heard.

• Now you know to start a difficult conversation with the third story rather than stating your claims. You know how to get other people to listen by listening to them. Now that you are going to be heard, what do you say? Strive for authenticity rather than eloquence. Believe in your right to speak. If you fail to express yourself, you will not fulfill your objectives for the conversation. However, learning this skill takes time. Do not feel obligated to go beyond your level of comfort. Begin with the core issue, be sure your meaning is clear and don’t circle into the conversation. Don’t state your suppositions as final truths. As you talk about them, offer some context about why you believe them. Avoid language that turns your statements into extreme claims. The more you speak from your core, the stronger your conversation will be.

• A good rule of thumb is to never start inside your own story. Your perspective is seldom a good starting point. This is because your story could threaten the self-image of the person you’re talking to

• A Third Story is told from an impartial observer’s view. It points out the difference between the tales of the two parties involved.

Everything Works Together

• As you develop these skills, don’t expect other people to respond to a situation as you would. Leading the conversation is up to you. Try reframing the discussion in various ways until you find a method that allows the other person to hear and participate. Use your listening skills early and often, and don’t give up.
• Sometimes reframing and listening aren’t enough. So try to work on clearing the air by naming the problem keeping you from communicating. This can become a distracting side discussion, but it may be useful if the central conversation has stalled. Once you have an actual on-topic conversation, even if you can’t agree, you can work together to solve problems, discuss options and propose alternatives. Just don’t rush things or demand a quick solution. You’re pursuing a good outcome, not trying to win a race.
• Use these five principles to guide you as you prepare for your next difficult conversation:
  • Start your preparation by thinking through the three conversations framework.
  • Decide whether the conversation is necessary by considering your purpose in dealing with the problem.
  • Begin the conversation with the third story, not your story.
  • Explore the other two stories: the other parties and yours.
  • Engage in problem-solving together.
• If you follow these steps, your difficult conversations may still be challenging, but they will be easier and much more constructive.

Quotes

“As the saying goes, ‘Life is just one damn thing after another.’ It is, of course. And now you have some skills to handle it.”

“Reframing means taking the essence of what the other person says and translating it into concepts that are more helpful.”

“Explaining your story is clearly a first step toward being understood. But don’t expect instant success.”

“There’s nothing wrong with not wanting to hurt someone, or wanting them to like you. Yet holding this as a purpose in the conversation leads to trouble.”

“Engaging in a difficult conversation without talking about feelings is like staging an opera without the music. You’ll get the plot but miss the point.”

“Sometimes what’s difficult about the situation has more to do with what’s going on inside you than what’s going on between you and the other person.”

“Understanding how we distort others’ intentions is crucial to untangling what happened between us.”

“Delivering a difficult message is like throwing a hand grenade. Coated with sugar, thrown hard or soft, a hand grenade is still going to do damage.”

“When we jump into conversations we typically begin inside our own story. We describe the problem from our own perspective and trigger just the kinds of reactions we hope to avoid.”

“When disagreement occurs, arguing may seem natural, even reasonable. But it’s not helpful.”

“The time you spend up front establishing a shared pool of meaning is more than paid for by faster, more committed action later on.”

“Practice doesn’t make perfect; perfect practice makes perfect.”

“A crucial conversation is a discussion between two or more people where (1) stakes are high, (2) opinions vary and (3) emotions run strong.”

“People who are skilled at dialogue do their best to make it safe for everyone to add their meaning to the shared pool – even ideas that at first glance appear controversial, wrong, or at odds with their own beliefs.”

“If you know how to handle crucial conversations, you can step up to and effectively hold tough conversations about virtually any topic.”

“In business, you don’t get what you deserve, you get what you negotiate.”

“Strong relationships, careers, organizations, and communities all draw from the same source of power - the ability to talk openly about high-stakes, emotional, controversial topics.”

“The path to high productivity passes not through a static system, but through face-to-face conversations at all levels.”

“In the best communities, key individuals and groups find a way to engage in healthy dialogue. They talk through important issues.”

“Disagreement is not a bad thing, nor does it necessarily lead to a difficult conversation. We disagree with people all the time, and often no one cares very much.”

“Our initial purpose for having a difficult conversation is often to prove a point, to give a piece of our mind, or to get others to do what we want. In other words, to deliver a message.”

References

• https://www.amazon.ca/Crucial-Conversations-Tools-Talking-Stakes-ebook/dp/B093Y3N433
• https://www.amazon.ca/Difficult-Conversations-Discuss-What-Matters/dp/B071W92NQ5