before you say I do summary

December 29, 2025

questions to ask before marriages

what are available pre-marriage counselling?
Define marriage. What is its purpose?
Do you believe that marriage is a contract? Why or why not?
How do you think your fiancé will answer these questions?
Read the following quotations. After you have read each of them indicate which portions you agree with and which portions you disagree with?

“Marriage resembles a pair of shears, so joined that they cannot be separated; often moving in opposite directions, yet always punishing anyone who comes between them. Is marriage a private action of two persons in love, or a public act of two pledging a contract? Neither, it is something other. Very much other! Basically, the Christian view of marriage is not that it is primarily or essentially a binding legal and social contract. The Christian understands marriage as a covenant made under God and in the presence of fellow members of the Christian family. Such a pledge endures, not because of the force of law or the fear of its actions, but because an unconditional covenant has been made. A covenant more solemn, more binding, more permanent than any legal contract.”2

“A system by means of which persons who are sinful and contentious are so caught up by a dream and a purpose bigger than themselves that they work through the years, in spite of repeated disappointment, to make the dream come true.”

“Marriage is a relationship between man and woman intended by God to be a monogamous relationship, intended to be a permanent bond in which many needs are satisfied—the need to love and be loved, the need for deep friendship, for sharing, for companionship, for sexual satisfaction, for children, the need to escape loneliness. Marriage ought to be a bond of love, reflecting the love Christ has for His people, a bond of sacrificial love where husband and wife have become one, one flesh, a unity.”

Who originated the marriage institution? (Genesis 2:18-25)
What are the purposes of marriage, and why was it originated? (See Genesis 1:28; 2:18; Ephesians 5:22-32.)

(1) (2) (3) (4)

How is marriage good? (Genesis 2:18; Hebrews 13:4.)
What is a helper, in your opinion? In your fiancé’s opinion? (Genesis 2:18-25)
What does “leaving mother and father” involve? (Genesis 2:18-25)
What do the words “shall cleave” or “will be united” mean?
What do the words “be one flesh” mean to you?
List six ways that you can promote and maintain the oneness characteristic in your upcoming marriage.
List three of the most important Scripture verses upon which you would like to base your marriage relationship. (Please use passages other than Ephesians 5:21-33; 1 Corinthians 13; and 1 Peter 3:1-7, as most couples automatically look to these. They are important, but think through other important passages that will assist you in establishing the type of marriage you are seeking.)
Here is another definition of marriage that you may want to consider.

“The marriage relationship is a school, a learning and growing environment in which (if everything is as it should be) both partners can grow and develop. The relationship grows along with them. If you can see marriage as an opportunity for growth, you can be >satisfied and can satisfy your spouse.”

Dr. David Hubbard graphically described the marriage relationship when he said, “Marriage does not demand perfection. But it must be given priority. It is an institution for sinners. No one else need apply. But it finds its finest glory when sinners see it as God’s way of leading us through his ultimate curriculum of love and righteousness.” Have you ever thought about the purpose of marriage in that light?

Here’s another definition of marriage. Consider it carefully, and then talk over your feelings with your partner: “A Christian marriage is a total commitment of two people to the person of Jesus Christ and to each other. It is a commitment in which nothing is held back. Marriage is a pledge of mutual fidelity; it is a partnership of mutual subordination.

A Christian marriage is similar to a solvent, a freeing up of the man and woman to be themselves and become all that God intends for them to become. Marriage is a refining process that God will use to have us become the man or woman He wants us to become. Think about it. God will use your marriage for His purpose. He will mold and refine you for your own benefit and for His glory.”

You may be thinking that when you marry there will be two individuals involved in that marriage. That is true, but there is a third party who can give an even greater meaning to your individual and married life—that person is Jesus Christ. In what way will the presence of Jesus Christ in your life make a difference in your marriage?

Read Matthew 7:24-27. This passage is talking about building your house upon a firm foundation. List what you believe are ten firm foundations which will go into making a solid marriage relationship.
What will you receive out of marriage that you wouldn’t receive by remaining single?
On a separate piece of paper, list the reasons why you are marrying your fiancé. After you have done that, list the reasons why you think your fiancé is marrying you. Then share the results.
Now compare your reasons for marriage with the following list, which has been compiled by several specialists in marriage and family life education. These are unhealthy reasons for marriage. If you find that any of these appear either on your list or in your mind, you should spend time discussing them with your fiancé and your marriage advisor.
- To spite or get back at your parents.
- Because of a negative self-image—marrying
- your fiancé will make you feel worthwhile and will give meaning to your life.
- To be a therapist or counselor to your fiancé.
- Fear of being left out—being single forever.
- Fear of independence.
- Marrying on the rebound—you were hurt in a former love relationship and to ease your hurt you immediately choose another.
- Fear of hurting the other person—you’re afraid of what will happen to your fiancé if you break up even though you know that marriage is not the answer.
- To escape an unhappy home.
- Because you are pregnant or your fiancé is pregnant.
- Because you have had sex.
- Companionship.
- To work together and fulfill your own and your future mate’s needs.
- To fulfill sexual needs in the way God intends.
- Love (an adequate blending of the various types of love, as explained in chapter 3).
- Because you are convinced that it is God’s will for you to marry this person.
Evaluate your “marriageability” by examining the personality traits of yourself and your fiancé. List eight character or personality traits that you feel would help a marriage.
Turn in your Bible to Galatians 5:22,23 and read over the fruit of the Spirit. Would these traits, manifested in a person, increase the potential of success in marriage?
- If so, indicate which of these you manifest and which of them you are still having difficulty displaying.
In addition to using the fruit of the Spirit as a guide for evaluating the potential success of a marriage, consider these eight marriageability traits that give a person a greater possibility of having an enriched and satisfying marriage.
- Adaptability and flexibility—the ability to
- Change and adapt.
- Empathy—the ability to be sensitive to the needs, hurts, and desires of others, to feel with them and experience the world from their perspective.
- The ability to work through problems.
- The ability to give and receive love.
- Emotional stability—accepting and controlling one’s emotions.
- Communication skills.
- Similarities between the two people.
- Similar family background.
The natural inclination is to look at this list and say, “Oh yes, that’s us. We are like that and have these characteristics.” If you feel these traits are present in your relationship, give a specific example of how each of the first six traits was manifested in

the past two weeks. Then, for traits seven and eight, give examples of each type of similarity.

The instruction on right living in Ephesians 4:2 can be applied to the marriage relationship. “Living as becomes you—with complete lowliness of mind (humility) and meekness (unselfishness, gentleness, mildness), with patience, bearing with one another and making allowances because you love one another”
- Look at the last part of the verse: “making allowances because you love one another.” List six specific examples of how this portion can be applied in your future marriage relationship. Try to think of these in relation to your differentness.
- similarities - How are my fiancé and I similar?
- Differences - How are my fiancé and I different?
- Effect - How can these differences and similarities complement one another in our marriage? Which of the differences have you thanked God for?
What special memories do you have about your childhood?
How did you get along with each of your parents? What were they like? What did you like and dislike about your parents?
What were your hurts and disappointments as a child?
What were your hobbies and favorite games?
How did you usually get into trouble?
How did you usually try to get out of trouble?
What did you enjoy about school activities?
What pets did you have? Which were your favorites and why?
What did you dream about doing when you were older?
Did you like yourself as a child? Explain.
Did you like yourself as a teenager? Explain.
What were your talents and special abilities?
What awards and achievements did you win?
Did you have a nickname?
Who were your close friends? Where are they today?
Describe the area where you grew up—people, neighborhood, etc.
What was your spiritual life like as a child? As an adolescent?
Who were the Christians in your family?
What were you afraid of? Do you have any of those fears today?
How did you get along with your brothers and/or sisters? If you had none, which relatives were you closest to?
What parts of your childhood would you like to relive? Why?
What do you remember from your first day of school?
Did you enjoy school? Why or why not? What was your favorite grade, and who were your favorite teachers?
Who was your first date?
Who were your other dates or boyfriends/girlfriends? What did you like and dislike about each one?
Where did you go on dates?
How did you feel when you liked someone and that person didn’t care for you?
How has being an adult changed your life?
Compare yourself now to when you were 10.
What have been your greatest disappointments? How have you handled them? What have you learned from them?
At what age did you first like the opposite sex?
What was your birth order in your family?
Did you have enough money in your youth? Enough food and clothing?
Who educated you in sex? What were your sexual experiences? What is your standard for sexual expression in your life now?
What are your political views?
What do you enjoy reading? Watching on TV?
Have you ever had a child? Do you want children?
What is your first memory?
Who were your favorite relatives?
Describe your education and job experiences.
What were your emotional reactions to jobs, fellow employees, and bosses? What are your ambitions?
What are your natural gifts? What do you consider your strong points? Weak points?
What is your medical history?
What is your favorite holiday, type of music, television program, and pastime?
While growing up, did you think of marrying someday?
Who are the five most important people in your life?
Which Christian leaders or writers have influenced you?
Where would you like to live? What country, state, city, house, and/or apartment?
What are your views on aging?
Describe the best year of your life.
When do you wake up? (weekday and day off)
When do you get up? (weekday and day off)
What steps do you take to get ready for the day? Example: Do you shower first or eat first? How much time do you need getting ready in the bathroom? How much time do you take preparing breakfast? Do you eat sitting down or on the run? Do you read the paper in the morning, have devotions, etc.? In other words, indicate your normal procedures and how much time you spend for each task. (weekday and day off)
As you drive to wherever you’re going (work, school, etc.), do you enjoy the solitude or would you rather talk to someone? If you listen to the radio, what do you listen to? (weekday and day off)
Now that you’ve got the basic idea of what we’re looking for, indicate what you do each hour of the day. Be sure to describe what you do on breaks, lunch, etc. (weekday and day off)
As you drive home, are you thinking about what went on during the day or what you’re going to do in the evening? What do you enjoy doing for the first hour when you get home? (weekday and day off)
Describe in detail dinner preparations, what and where you like to eat, and what you do in the evening. When you get ready for bed, where do you put your clothes from this day? Do you prepare your clothes for the next day or wait until the morning? Do you go to sleep with the radio or TV on? Do you like it completely dark and quiet or do you leave a light on? (weekday and day off)
If you are bothered by the uniqueness of your fiancé, ask yourself, “What will it be like to be married to a person like me in so many ways? What will it be like being married to someone so different than I am? Will I like it?”
In what way will the presence of Jesus Christ in your life help you adjust to differences in your future marriage?
What does the Word of God say about love?
- Look up the following passages of Scripture to discover love from God’s perspective. We suggest using a modern translation. What is the central thought or example in each passage?
  - Proverbs 17:17
  - Matthew 6:24
  - Matthew 22:37-39
  - Luke 6:27-35
  - Luke 10:25-37
  - John 3:16
  - John 13:34
  - Romans 13:8-10
  - Romans 14:15
  - 1 Corinthians 8:1
  - Galatians 2:20
  - Galatians 5:13
  - Galatians 6:2
  - Ephesians 4:2
  - Ephesians 5:2
  - Ephesians 5:25
  - Titus 2:3-5
  - 1 Peter 4:8
  - 1 John 3:16-18
First Corinthians 13:4-7 gives the Bible’s definition of love. These verses indicate that love consists of many elements. As you consider them below, give three creative examples of how each could be applied in your marriage. Be specific.
- Suffers long—endures offenses, is not hasty, waits for the Lord to right all wrongs.
- Is kind—not inconsiderate, seeks to help, is constructive, blesses when cursed, helps when hurt, demonstrates tenderness.
- Is not envious, but content—is not jealous of another person’s success or competition.
- Is not arrogant, but humble—not haughty, but lowly and gracious.
- Is not boastful, but reserved—does not show off, try to impress, want to be the center of attraction.
- Is not rude, but courteous.
- Is not selfish, but self-forgetful.
- Is not irritable, but good-tempered.
- Is not vindictive or wrathful, but generous.
- Does not delight in bringing another person’s sins to light, but rejoices when another person obeys the truth.
- Is not rebellious, but brave; is circumspect when it comes to another person’s wrongdoing.
- Is not suspicious, but trustful—not cynical, makes every allowance, looks for an explanation that will show the best in others.
- Is not despondent, but hopeful—does not give up because it has been deceived or denied.
- Is not conquerable, but invincible—can outlast problems.
A Love Problem?

After eight years of marriage Ken tells a marriage counselor that he no longer has any romantic feelings for his wife. “It isn’t like when we were first married,” he says. “I knew without a doubt I loved her then. I had strong emotional feelings that were unmistakable. Now that is all gone. I admire her. She is a wonderful woman, a good wife and mother. I’m really more attracted to a girl I used to date in high school.”

Sandy is frustrated over the whole matter. She says she loves her husband and children and wants to hold her family together.

Neither wants a divorce. “How can I regain that loving feeling for my wife?” he asks. “Was it something I did to destroy his love for me?” she asks.

What are the causes of the problem?
- Sandy
- Ken
What should they do to resolve the problem?
- Sandy
- Ken
What suggestions does Revelation 2:1-5 give on how to fall in love again?
Your Marriage Needs Three Types of Love — Eros, Philia, Agape

Eros is the love that seeks sensual expression. Eros is romantic love, sexual love. It is inspired by the biological structure of human nature. The husband and wife, in a good marriage, will love each other romantically and erotically.

In a good marriage, the husband and wife are also friends. Friendship means companionship, communication, and cooperation. This is known as philia.

Agape is self-giving love, gift love, the love that goes on loving even when the other becomes unlovable. Agape love is not just something that happens to you; it’s something you make happen. Love is a personal act of commitment. Christ’s love (and hence the pattern for our love) is gift love. Christ’s love for us is sacrificial love. Christ’s love is unconditional. Christ’s love is an eternal love. Agape is kindness. It is being sympathetic, thoughtful, and sensitive to the needs of your loved one. Agape is contentment. Agape love is forgiving love.

When you are married, what can you do to demonstrate these three kinds of love? For each word below, write five specific examples of what you will do to enhance your love relationship.
What do you feel are the three main hindrances in marriage to developing love and continuing to grow?
Your love will either live or die. What kills love?
What do you do now to reinforce the behaviors that you enjoy?
What will you do when you are married?
How will the presence of Jesus Christ in your life help you to love your spouse through eros, philia, and agape love?
write 20 expectations you will have of your fiancé when you are married
list ten expectations you think your fiancé will have for you in marriage.
Take each expectation and, on a separate piece of paper, write one or two sentences indicating how your marriage relationship will be affected if this expectation is not met.
Take your fiancé’s list and read it to yourself. As you read each one of your fiancé’s expectations of you, place a check mark under the appropriate column. C stands for “cinch.” You feel that the expectation you have just read is going to be a cinch to fulfill. S stands for “sweat.” It will take some hard work and sweat, but it can be done. N stands for “no way.” You feel that the expectation is impossible.
It has been suggested that most couples go through these three stages (enchantment, disenchantment, maturity). What about you? Perhaps in your own relationship you have experienced some of the disenchantment stage already. Do you want to go through the full extent of the disenchantment stage as you see it expressed here? If not, then take some time to write out what you can do as an individual and what you can do as a couple to keep from going through all of the experiences of this stage. When you have finished writing, share your responses together.
Complete the following statements and then share your responses with your fiancé.
- This is what you need to know about my family life as I was growing up in order to understand me:
- If I could have changed one thing about my family life as I was growing up, it would have been …
- Because I want or don’t want this to occur in my own marriage and family life, I will …
- My parents have influenced my attitudes toward marriage by …
- Something from my parents’ relationship that I would like to have in mine is …
- Something from my parents’ relationship that I prefer not having in mine is …
Talk with your fiancé and list, on a separate piece of paper, ten similarities and ten differences between their home and family life and yours. Discuss these together. How will any of these affect your own marriage?
Changes in marriage will happen. How will you adjust to them? Do you realize that even positive changes can disrupt a marriage relationship?
Write how you would react to the following circumstances that could cause changes in your marriage.
- a miscarriage
- death of a child
- major financial difficulty
- being fired from a job
- spouse wants to quit work and go back to school
- major illness
- a major lawsuit with potentially great financial loss and severe emotional stress
- moving to an apartment instead of the home you were in for five years
- living in the country instead of the city (or vice versa)
- spouse is quitting job to start own business
- husband and wife want to go to work and take the three children to daycare
- child does not turn out the way you wanted
- three more children than you planned on having
- discovering that you cannot have children
- a friend makes a pass at you or your spouse
- in-laws turn hostile toward you
- spouse has to work nights instead of days
- car is stolen while on vacation
- you are attracted to another person
- spouse is no longer interested in spiritual things
Read the following three passages of Scripture and write how you think these passages would help you accept and adjust to disappointments and changes.
“Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance” -(James 1:2,3 NASB).
“In this you greatly rejoice, even though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been distressed by various trials, that the proof of your faith, being more precious than gold which is perishable, even though tested by fire, may be found to result in praise -and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ” (1 Peter 1:6,7 NASB).
“Blessed is a man who perseveres under trial; for once he has been approved, he will receive the crown of life, which the Lord has promised to those who love Him” (James 1:12 NASB).
How will the presence of Jesus Christ in your life help you to fulfill your expectations of marriage and accept the ones that are not fulfilled?
What goals do you have for your marriage? What do you want your marriage to become? What do you want it to reflect? What do you want from your marriage? Now follow these directions concerning your goals.
- Place an asterisk (*) by six of the ten goals that you feel are the most important. Then rank them in order of importance.
- Place a 0 by any two of the ten goals that you would be willing to forego if absolutely necessary.
- Place a $ by the ones that cost money.
- Place a P by the ones you learned from your parents.
- Place an F by the ones you think your fiancé also wrote down.
- Explain in one sentence why your marriage goals are important to the health of your marriage.
- Now share and discuss your goals with your fiancé.
- Select two of your marriage goals and develop a plan to reach them. Also establish when you will come back to this exercise after you are married and redo it. It is important to periodically evaluate and determine goals because goals do change. Some may be - short-range (to be achieved within three to six months) and some may be long-range (five to ten years).
- 1. How will the presence of Jesus Christ in your life assist you in setting and achieving your goals?
LIST EIGHT GOALS for your marriage on a goal wheel like the one below. Write one goal in each of eight spaces. Then take one of the remaining spaces and write a goal that you would like to achieve within three to five years.
- In the remaining space write a goal that you would like to see your fiancé achieve within three to five years. Remember, a goal should be reasonable, realistic, attainable, and have a time limit.
fulfilling needs in marriage

needs in marriage	what my spouse can do to help fulfill these needs
physical	…
emotional	…
spiritual	…
social and intellectual	…

what’s maslow’s levels of needs
- https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow%27s_hierarchy_of_needs
Instead of relying on ourselves or our spouses to meet these needs, we find that God has given us promises for providing the stability we are seeking. You may want to start with the following references. To which area of needs do these relate?
- Psalm 103:4
- Matthew 6:33,34
- Romans 5:8; 8:35,39
- Ephesians 2:10
How will the presence of Jesus Christ in your life help you fulfill your needs and those of your spouse? How will His presence help you build your self-worth?
what’s spouse’s place?
Property—Wife has almost no rights and privileges compared to those of the husband. Husband is the family provider. Often the wife is viewed as property and an outlet for the husband’s sexual expression.
Complement—Wife’s rights have increased. Marriage is the wife’s central life interest. Husband is chief provider and has more - authority than wife. She is a friend to her husband. He achieves; she supports him.
Junior Partner—Wife’s rights increase because she works outside the home for pay. Her main motive is to improve the family’s - lifestyle. She has more authority (rights) than a stay-at-home wife.
Equal Partner—Wife and husband share equal rights and responsibilities.
Complete the following sentences and discuss them.
- In marriage, I believe a “role” is …
- My main role in marriage will be …
- I formed this belief about my role when …
- My spouse’s role will be …
- In marriage, a wife should …
- In marriage, a husband should …
- I can best help my spouse fulfill his or her role by …
What do you believe about roles in marriage? Choose the number that best reflects your position using these guidelines: (1) strongly agree, (2) mildly agree, (3) not sure, (4) mildly disagree, (5) strongly disagree
- A. The husband is the head of the home.
- B. The wife should not be employed outside the home.
- C. The husband should help regularly with the household chores.
- D. It is all right for the wife to initiate lovemaking.
- E. The husband and wife should plan the budget and manage money matters together.
- F. Neither the husband nor the wife should purchase an item costing more than $100 without consulting the other.
- G. The husband is the one responsible for disciplining the children.
- H. The wife can choose an “outside the home” career if she wants.
- I. The wife is responsible for keeping the house neat and clean.
- J. Spouses should plan a date night once a month.
- K. The wife is just as responsible for the children’s discipline as the husband.
- L. It is the husband’s job to do the yard work.
- M. The wife should be the one who teaches values to the children.
- N. Children should be allowed to help plan family activities.
- O. Children develop better in a home with parents who are strict disciplinarians.
- P. All income should be pooled together with equal access.
- Q. The husband and wife should each have at least one night a week out with friends.
- R. The wife should always be the one to cook.
- S. The husband’s primary responsibility is to his job; the wife’s primary responsibility is to the home and children.
What does the Word of God say concerning the role of the wife and the role of the husband? Read Ephesians 5:21-33.
- What one word summarizes a wife’s responsibility to her husband? Compare 1 Peter 3:1.
- What do the words “as to the Lord” (verse 22 TLB) suggest about the wife’s role?
- Are there any limits placed upon the wife’s submission by Colossians 3:18 and Acts 5:29?
- According to verse 33, what should the wife’s attitude be toward her husband and what does this mean in everyday life?
- What does the word submission mean to you?
What is the husband’s role? Is submission part of his role and function? What does Ephesians 5:21 say?
- Study Ephesians 5:22-33. What two words in this section summarize the husband’s responsibility? Compare verse 23 with verse 25. See Philippians 2:4.
- What example should the husband exhibit as he leads in the marriage relationship? Compare Ephesians 5:23 with 1:22. In light of this, for whose benefit should the headship of the husband be exercised?
- For whose benefit is the headship of Christ exercised? Compare Ephesians 1:22 and 5:25-27. In light of this, for whose benefit should the headship of the husband be exercised?
- What are the ways in which Christ loved the church? Relate each of these to the way a husband should love his wife.
- In Proverbs 31 we see that the wife has been given great responsibility and is able to use her gifts. What gifts and abilities does your wife-to-be have that you do not?
- In Proverbs 31:28,29, the husband praises and expresses appreciation to his wife. How might praise and appreciation affect a spouse?
What are some creative ways that a husband can be a loving leader-servant?
Who makes the decisions in the marital relationship? Perhaps the question is not who does or who should, but who is best qualified. Who in the marital relationship exerts the most influence upon the other or carries more weight in deciding?
On a separate piece of paper, describe the decision-making process you think you will have in your marriage by putting the percentage of influence that you will have and that your spouse will have for various issues. The total for each decision must be 100 percent.
- Will each make decisions in the areas where he or she is most gifted?
- Will each person have sufficient opportunity to give what he or she has to offer?
- What are the reasons for allotting the percentages of influence as you did?

issues	her vote (%)	his vote (%)
Choice of new car
Choice of home
Choice of furniture
Choice of your own wardrobe
Choice of vacation spots
Choice of decor for the home
Choice of mutual friends
Choice of entertainment
Choice of church
Choice of child-rearing practices
Choice of TV shows
Choice of home menu
Choice of number of children
Choice of where we live
Choice of husband’s vocation
Choice of wife vocation
Choice of determining for what and how the money is spent

Write your answers to the following questions and then discuss how well you have considered the decision-making process.
- Who made most of the decisions in your family? How would your fiancé answer this question?
- Have you established guidelines to distinguish between major and minor decisions? If so, what are they?
- What procedure will you follow when there is an impasse and a decision must be made?
- How will you decide upon responsibilities for household chores?
- In what areas of family life will you make decisions without consulting your spouse? Who decided this policy? How did you arrive at this decision?
- Will you make the decisions that you want to make or the ones that your spouse does not want to make?
- Will you have any “veto power” over your spouse’s decisions? If so, what is the basis for it? How did you arrive at this decision?
Answer these questions and then compare your responses with those of your fiancé.
- I’m afraid to make decisions when …
- I’m afraid to have my fiancé make decisions when …
- I’d like to make decisions when …
- I’d like my fiancé to make decisions when …
- I want to make decisions in the area of …
- I want my fiancé to make decisions in the area of …
How will the presence of Jesus Christ in your life help you in the process of decision making and discovering your gifts in marriage?
How would you define communication? What do you think the word means? Write your definition and then share your answer with your fiancé.
- Communication is the process of sharing yourself, both verbally and nonverbally, in such a way that the other person can both accept and understand what you are sharing.
What do we mean by listening? When we are truly listening to another person, we are not thinking about what we are going to say when he or she stops talking. We are not busy formulating our response. We are concentrating on what is being said. Listening is also complete acceptance without judgment of what is said or how it is said. Often we fail to hear the message because we don’t like the message or the tone of voice. We react and miss the meaning of what was being shared.
what are the main components of communication?
- The three components of communication must be complementary. One researcher has suggested the following breakdown of the importance of the three components.22 The percentages indicate how much of the message is sent through each one.
  - Content / 7%
  - Tone / 38%
  - Nonverbal / 55%
How will you communicate in the following situations?
- It’s Saturday. Your spouse asks you to shop for something, but you really don’t want to go. You say:
- You are trying to watch your favorite TV program but your spouse is continually interrupting and asking you questions. The program is at the crucial part, and you don’t want to miss it. You say:
- You are describing to your spouse the most exciting event of the day. Right in the middle of it, your spouse yawns and says, “I think I’ll go get a cup of coffee.” You say:
- Your spouse serves you breakfast. You notice that the bacon is overcooked, which you don’t like. The toast is served lightly toasted with fresh butter, which is exactly what you like. You say:
- After dinner your spouse asks you if you would do the dishes tonight since he or she is so tired. You, too, are tired and were looking forward to relaxing. Usually you both do them together. You say:
- You have just had an argument with one of the children and you realize that you are wrong. It is not easy to apologize to family members because they usually rub it in. You say:
What does the Word of God say about communication? Look up the passages listed and write the key thought for each one. You will notice that the verses are listed in groupings as there is a central theme in each group. See if you can discover the central thought for each group and write it as a summary.
- Proverbs 11:9, Proverbs 12:18, Proverbs 15:4, Proverbs 18:8, Proverbs 18:21, Proverbs 25:11, Proverbs 26:22, James 3:8-10, 1 Peter 3:10, Summary
- Proverbs 4:20-23, Proverbs 6:12,14,18, Proverbs 15:28, Proverbs 16:2, Proverbs 16:23, Summary
- Proverbs 15:31, Proverbs 18:13, Proverbs 18:15, Proverbs 19:20, Proverbs 21:28, James 1:19, Summary
- Proverbs 12:18, Proverbs 14:29, Proverbs 15:28, Proverbs 16:32, Proverbs 21:23, Proverbs 26:4, Proverbs 29:20, Summary
- Proverbs 15:23, Proverbs 25:11, Summary
- Proverbs 10:19, Proverbs 11:12,13, Proverbs 13:3, Proverbs 17:27,28, Proverbs 18:2, Proverbs 20:19, Proverbs 21:23, Summary
- Proverbs 17:9, Proverbs 21:9, Summary
- Proverbs 15:1, Proverbs 15:4, Proverbs 16:1, Proverbs 25:15, Summary
- Proverbs 12:16, Proverbs 19:11, Summary
- Proverbs 12:17,22, Proverbs 16:13, Proverbs 19:5, Proverbs 26:18,19, Proverbs 26:22, Proverbs 28:23, Proverbs 29:5, Ephesians 4:15,25, Colossians 3:9, Summary
what are 5 levels of communications?
- Level Five: Cliché Conversation. This type of talk is very safe. We use phrases such as “How are you?” “How’s the dog?” “Where have you been?” “I like your dress.” In this type of conversation there is no personal sharing. Each person remains safely behind his defenses.
- Level Four: Reporting the Facts About Others. In this kind of conversation we are content to tell others what someone else has said, but we offer no personal information on these facts. We report the facts like the six o’clock news. We share gossip and little narrations, but we do not commit ourselves as to how we feel about them.
- Level Three: Ideas and Judgments. Real communication begins to unfold here. The person is willing to step out of his solitary confinement and risk telling some of his ideas and decisions. He is still cautious. If he senses that what he is saying is not being accepted, he will retreat.
- Level Two: Feelings or Emotions. At this level the person shares how he feels about facts, ideas, and judgments. His feelings underneath these areas are revealed. For a person to really share himself with another individual he must move to the level of sharing his feelings.
- Level One: Complete Emotional and Personal Communication. All deep relationships must be based on absolute openness and honesty. This may be difficult to achieve because it involves risk—the risk of being rejected. But it is vital if relationships are to grow. There will be times when this type of communication is not as complete as it could be.
What are some of the reasons why a person might respond only at level five or level four?
When do you feel most like responding at levels two and one?
At what level do you usually respond?
At what level does your fiancé usually respond?
On which level do you usually share with God?
Describe a time when you really felt that you communicated with God.
Of course no one is completely cognitive or completely emotional. Where are you and where is your fiancé? On a diagram like the one below (emotional and cognitive on opposite ends) indicate (1) where you think you are, (2) where you think your fiancé is, and (3) where you think your fiancé would place you.
List some of the issues you and your fiancé disagree on that do not need to be completely resolved.
What does “completely resolved” mean to you?
Make a list of some issues on which you disagree that do need solutions—those on which more time needs to be spent exploring alternatives.
Select one of the issues on which more time needs to be spent. Write an explanation of the situation as you see it.
Some people have learned to use behavioral, nonviolent weapons in dealing with conflict. What are some unfair weapons?
What effect does anger have upon resolving a conflict? What effect does anger have upon a marriage?
What do the following verses have to say about the right way to handle anger?
- Psalm 37:1-11
- Proverbs 14:29
- Proverbs 15:1
- Proverbs 15:28
- Proverbs 16:32
- Proverbs 19:11
- Proverbs 25:28
- Proverbs 29:11
- Matthew 5:43,44
- Romans 8:28,29
- Romans 12:19,21
- Galatians 5:16-23
- Ephesians 4:26
- Ephesians 4:29
- Ephesians 4:32
What Causes Conflicts?
- See James 4:1-3
Describe a recent or current conflict between you and your fiancé.
What do you believe caused the conflict? What was the outcome? What did it accomplish?
How did you create or contribute to the conflict?
Imagine that you are seeing the conflict from the other person’s perspective. How would your fiancé describe the conflict?
If you could go through the same conflict again, how would you handle it?
What choices do we have in dealing with conflicts?
- James Fairfield has suggested five styles of dealing with conflict
- The first is to withdraw. If you have a tendency to view conflict as a hopeless inevitability that you can do little to control, you may not even try. You may withdraw physically by leaving the scene or you may leave psychologically.
- If you feel that you must always look after your own interests or your self-concept is threatened in a conflict, you may choose to win. No matter what the cost, you must win. Domination is usually reflected in this style; personal relationships take second place.
- “Giving in to get along” is another style. You may not like it, but rather than risk a confrontation you choose to yield.
- “Give a little to get a little” is called compromise. You may find that it is important to let up on some of your demands or ideas in order to help the other person give a little. You don’t want to win all the time nor do you want the other person to win all the time.
- A person may choose to resolve conflicts. In this style of dealing with conflicts, a situation, attitude, or behavior is changed by open and direct communication.
Select your usual style of dealing with conflicts.
Select your fiancé’s usual style.
Describe a situation in which you withdrew from a conflict.
Describe a situation in which you won a conflict.
Describe a situation in which you yielded in a conflict.
Describe a situation in which you compromised in a conflict.
Describe a situation in which you resolved a conflict.
Describe how each solution affected the feelings of others toward you.
- Withdrew
- Won
- Yielded
- Compromised
- Resolved
How did you feel about yourself in each situation?
- Withdrew
- Won
- Yielded
- Compromised
- Resolved
Did the result eventually bring about a more peaceful atmosphere in each case?
What style did Jesus use? What styles of handling conflict do we find in the Scriptures? Take a few minutes and read the following accounts of conflict. Try to determine the methods used at that time. Write down the various styles you observe.
- Genesis 4
- 1 Samuel 20:30-34
- Matthew 15:10-20
- Mark 11:11-19
- Luke 23:18-49
- John 8:1-11
- John 11:11-19
How then can we resolve conflicts? Consider trying and applying these principles:
- Instead of demanding that you be heard, listen carefully to the other person (see Proverbs 18:13 and James 1:19). Any changes that one person wants to see in another must be heard and understood.
- Select an appropriate time. “A man has joy in making an apt answer, and a word spoken at the right moment, how good it is” (Proverbs 15:23 AMP).
- Define the problem. How do you define the problem and how does the other person define it?
- Define the areas of agreement and disagreement.
- Here comes the difficult part. A few conflicts may be just one-sided, but most involve contributions from both sides. Identify your contribution to the problem. When you accept some responsibility for a problem, the other sees a willingness to cooperate and will probably be much more open to the discussion.
- The next step is to state positively what behaviors on your part would probably help, and to be willing to ask for the other person’s opinion. As they share with you, be open to their feelings, observations, and suggestions. Watch out for defensiveness.
Read the following passages in The Living Bible. What do these verses say?
- Proverbs 13:18
- Proverbs 23:12
- Proverbs 25:12
- Proverbs 28:13
How will the presence of Jesus Christ in your life help you deal with conflict?
How much would women have to pay for these?
- A woman’s business suit
- A hair appointment
- A week’s groceries for two people
- Two tickets to a football game or the symphony
- One month’s costs of physical fitness (health club, clothes, etc.)
- A pair of living room curtains
- A complete car tune-up
- Makeup supplies
- A woman’s raincoat
- A pair of nylons
- A pair of kid’s Levi’s
- A set of eight water glasses
- A woman’s purse
- Vertical blinds for a sliding glass door
- New snow skis
- A tall living-room lamp
- A good frying pan
- A new laptop
- Bathroom scales
- An affordable mid-size car
How much would men have to pay for these?
- A man’s business suit
- A hair appointment
- A week’s groceries for two people
- Two tickets to a football game or the symphony
- One month’s cost of physical fitness (health club, clothes, etc.)
- New seat covers for a car
- A complete car tune-up
- Shaving supplies
- A man’s raincoat
- A pair of men’s dress socks
- A pair of kid’s Levi’s
- A set of eight water glasses
- A man’s wallet
- Vertical blinds for a sliding glass door
- A graphite fishing rod
- A six-foot aluminum stepladder
- A good frying pan
- A new laptop
- Bathroom scales
- An affordable mid-size car
Shopping Quiz (N = No; OC = Occasionally; O = Often; VO = Very Often)
- Shopping is my most frequent form of entertainment. I feel anxious when I’m not shopping.
- Shopping takes the place of talking, feeling, and dealing with the unpleasant realities of life.
- I argue with others about my shopping and spending habits.
- I repeatedly buy things I neither need nor want.
- I get a rush or a high from even thinking about shopping.
- I am concerned about how often I shop, but I continue to shop anyway.
- I minimize my purchases or hide them from people.
- I buy clothing that doesn’t fit my lifestyle, and rarely, if ever, use those items.
List in order of importance five areas where you should currently be spending your money.
If someone gave you a gift of $10,000, how would you spend it?
How would your fiancé spend it?
Which of these describes how you felt about money as you were growing up?
- I always felt secure that there would be enough money for whatever I needed and wanted.
- I never felt certain my parents would have enough money to give me what I wanted or needed.
- I always felt that I had less than my friends had.
- I felt the people around me placed too much importance on money.
- I was embarrassed by being seen as a “rich kid.”
- I knew I wanted to grow up to have a lot of money.
- Other
Which of these describes how you think your fiancé felt about money as he or she was growing up?
- My fiancé always felt secure that there would be enough money to cover needs and wants.
- My fiancé never felt certain that there would be enough money to cover needs and wants.
- My fiancé always felt that he or she had less money than friends had.
- My fiancé felt that the people around him or her placed too much importance on money.
- My fiancé was embarrassed by being seen as a “rich kid.”
- My fiancé knew he or she wanted to grow up to have a lot of money.
- Other
How will these patterns affect your marital relationship?
Study the following passages to discover how to acquire, how to regard, and how to spend money. Indicate the principles that you derive from each passage.
- Deuteronomy 8:17,18
- 1 Chronicles 29:11,12
- Proverbs 11:24,25
- Proverbs 11:28
- Proverbs 12:10
- Proverbs 13:11; 14:23
- Proverbs 13:18,22
- Proverbs 15:6
- Proverbs 15:16,17,22
- Proverbs 15:27
- Proverbs 16:8
- Proverbs 16:16
- Proverbs 20:4,14,18
- Proverbs 21:5,6
- Proverbs 21:20,25,26
- Proverbs 22:1,4,7
- Proverbs 23:1-5
- Proverbs 24:30-34
- Proverbs 27:23,24
- Proverbs 28:6,22
- Proverbs 30:24,25
- Ecclesiastes 5:10
- Ecclesiastes 5:19
- Matthew 6:19,20
- Matthew 17:24-27
- Luke 6:27-38
- Luke 12:13-21
- Romans 13:6-8
- Ephesians 4:28
- Philippians 4:11-19
- Thessalonians 3:7-12
- Timothy 6:6-10
- Timothy 6:17-19
- Hebrews 13:5
what’s your and your spouse net worth?
- assets, liabilities
what’s do and don’t for budgetting
- Plan your budget together. Set a specific time together to review your fiancé’s financials and your own. Discuss and create a general budget. Seek agreement and cooperation. Make decisions together. Figures and plans should be known by both of you.
- Define your general financial goals. Launch your budget with a clear idea of why you’re setting a budget.
- Don’t finalize a budget before you both know how much you now spend for what. Devote several weeks to keeping detailed expense records for use in working on a budget. If you do not know where your money is going, you cannot sensibly decide where it should go. Set a date for your next budget meeting.
- Do not think up countless budget headings. Use common sense in approaching and clarifying and classifying according to your spending habits.
- Divvy up your dollars according to your united needs and wants. Do not allocate according to the way other people spend. Use averages, online guides, and outside resources as rough starting points only. Now list your specific needs and wants individually and as a couple.
- Think first. When allocating, trimming, or adjusting budget amounts, do not jump to conclusions. Do not let wishful thinking take the place of sober appraisal. Does an expense item look too high? Find out whether it really is high, or why it is high, before cutting it. If you are looking for a place to economize so you can spend more on something else, do not cut arbitrarily. Before you do whittle down an item, spell out precisely what specific items of past expenditures are to be reduced or eliminated.
- Take all credit cards—except one for emergencies—out of your wallet. Cancel multiple Visas and MasterCards. Don’t let them become a way of financing your daily living.
- Don’t carry your checkbook or debit card around. Write one allowance check every week per person…for lunches, newspapers and magazines, groceries, dry cleaning, and laundering. Cash the checks—and don’t spend more than that for those expenses during the week. Become your own banker, and learn how to say no.
- Plan for the big expenses. You can expect several big, nonrecurring expenses during the year—taxes, insurance, vacation bills, etc. Forecast those expenses and put aside an amount each month to meet them when they come due. If not planned for, a few of these expenses will throw your budget into chaos, from which it may never recover.
- Know who is in charge of what. Each person should know just what his or her responsibilities are.
- Experiment. For two months, each of you write down every penny you spend. When you buy a candy bar from the vending machine at work, write it down. When you write your mortgage check, note it in the book. At the end of each of the two months, review your expenses and label them “O” for optional and “E” for essential. The challenge is to eliminate the optional expenses that give you the least value for your money.
- Except for the above experiment, do not keep track of every penny. Each person should be allowed to spend an allowance as he or she chooses without having to make an entry in the budget. Do not insist that everyone keep itemized lists of all expenses. Do not demand detailed accounts and summaries.
- Do not intermingle funds. Keep separate accounts for monthly spending and savings. Have a clear-cut system for divvying up the paychecks. A checking account is a good system. You deposit a sum of money each payday to cover expenses, keeping a record of how much is earmarked for what. This way you will not be spending more than you have allotted for any one budget item.
- Do not cheat your budget. For example, if your budget shows you cannot afford a new ski outfit this month, do not go out and charge it. A debt like this should always be taken into account for next month’s planning. Otherwise, you will find that a substantial amount of your funds has already been spent because of interest.
- Use automatic deduction. No matter how strapped for cash you feel you are, authorize automatic deductions from your salary for 401(k) savings and retirement programs.
- Don’t carry around too much cash—you will tend to spend it. Go to ATMs only as planned, not to pocket an extra $100. If you face an emergency, fine. But don’t run to the machine or use smart technology just to buy an unbudgeted item on sale.
- Avoid shopping retail. There’s no reason to pay an outrageous markup on retail items when outlet shops and online sources offer tremendous discounts.
- When the budget starts to rub tight, let it out here, tuck it in there, to give a better fit. Do not keep it ironclad and inflexible. A grim, unbending budget will soon make everybody sullen, if not outright mutinous. A good rule of evaluation is to look at your budget every January and every July to make certain that it is realistic and working for your benefit.
- And do not quit your budget at the first bump. Budgets seldom click the first time around. Hang on, start revising, try fresh ideas. Do not toss in the towel. If at first you don’t succeed, you know what to do!
How will the presence of Jesus Christ in your life help you with the financial aspects of your life together?”
Why do we want economic security in the first place?
What do we believe money is for — safety, freedom, status, generosity?
If money were solved tomorrow, what would we actually do differently?
Do we agree on what a “good life” looks like?
Are we chasing goals we chose — or goals we inherited socially?
If our lifestyle never improved beyond today, would we still feel fulfilled together?
What are we optimizing for: income, time, peace, or prestige?
Are we building a life — or just postponing one?
Do my actions consistently reflect my stated values?
Where is the gap between what I say matters and what I actually do?
Would my spouse describe me as predictable and reliable under stress?
Do I default to courage — or avoidance — in hard conversations?
Do I take responsibility for my reactions, or blame circumstances?
When I’m wrong, do I defend myself or correct myself?
Am I becoming more disciplined with time, money, and emotions — or less?
If my children copied my habits exactly, would I be proud?
Is my character strengthening as my power increases — or eroding?
Do we actually know our household burn rate?
Have we added a margin for uncertainty — or are we living at the edge?
Could we survive a job loss without panic?
Does money feel like a shared problem — or a personal burden?
Are we honest about spending, debt, and financial fears?
Are there financial secrets between us?
Would bad financial news bring us closer — or create conflict?
Are surprises around money frequent in our relationship?
Do we talk about money proactively or only during crises?
Are we aligned on saving vs. spending — or tolerating tension?
Do we see money as a tool or as a scoreboard?
As one of us becomes more successful, does the relationship feel safer or more fragile?
Do we openly discuss power dynamics as income or status changes?
Do I still listen as carefully as I did before success?
Have I become harder to question?
Does my spouse feel like a partner — or a dependent?
Who checks my blind spots as my authority grows?
Do I seek counsel — or assume I know better now?
Have wins made me humbler or more arrogant?
Do I confuse competence with infallibility?
Where does my attention actually go each day?
Does my spouse get my best energy — or leftovers?
Am I present when I’m physically present?
Do I treat time with my family as optional or sacred?
Am I trading long-term intimacy for short-term productivity?
If time is finite, what am I overspending it on?
Would my spouse say I’m available when it matters?
Am I hiding behind busyness to avoid emotional labor?
What habits define me right now?
Which habits are strengthening the marriage — which are weakening it?
Am I designing my days — or reacting to them?
Do my habits reduce friction at home or increase it?
What identity is emerging from my daily behavior?
Is that identity compatible with long-term partnership?
Are we growing together — or just aging together?
If nothing changed, where would this relationship be in 10 years?
How do I behave when I’m angry?
Do I use anger as information — or as a weapon?
Do I ruminate on conflicts or resolve them?
Can I let go of being right to preserve peace?
Do I see my spouse as an enemy during conflict?
Can I separate intent from impact?
Do I calm myself — or expect my spouse to regulate me?
Am I capable of forgiveness without keeping score?
Does my career choice add stability or volatility to our family?
Who absorbs the downside risk of my ambition?
Would I make the same career choices if I were single?
Is my spouse subsidizing my uncertainty emotionally or financially?
Does my job align with our family phase?
Are we explicit about the trade-offs my career requires?
Would we still choose this path knowing the true cost?
Who am I comparing us to?
Is that comparison fair or distorted?
Am I chasing someone else’s version of success?
Do we feel “behind” — and by whose standard?
Are we letting social narratives dictate our pace?
Does comparison breed gratitude or resentment in us?
Who can tell me I’m wrong — and I’ll listen?
Do we have a “kitchen cabinet” outside the marriage?
Are we isolated or embedded in a healthy community?
Do we ask for help early — or wait until damage is done?
Are we surrounded by people who strengthen our values?
Do we intentionally choose who influences us?
Do I know when to persist — and when to quit?
Am I staying out of pride or because the data supports it?
Would I advise my spouse to stay in my situation?
Do we have pre-agreed exit criteria for major decisions?
Can I change my mind without feeling like a failure?
Am I flexible — or rigidly attached to past choices?
Who will I be in 10, 20, 30 years?
Will my future self thank me for today’s choices?
Are we preserving optionality or closing doors?
If health declined, would our systems hold?
If death arrived early, would we have lived well together?
Are we postponing joy unnecessarily?
What would “enough” actually look like?
Do I treat the marriage as my most important investment?
Am I compounding trust — or drawing it down?
Do I protect the relationship as carefully as I protect income?
Is my spouse safer because of me?
Do they feel chosen — consistently?
Would I marry me again?
Are we building wealth to buy time together — or losing time building wealth?
If nothing external changed, would love still be enough?
If this relationship were a business, would I invest more — or quietly exit?

Quotes

the unexamined life is not worth living - socrates

to the questions of your life, you’re the answer. To the problems of your life, you are the solution - jo coudert

time is a powerful river of passing events; no sooner is one thing brought to sight than it is swept away and another takes its place - and this, too, will be swept away

questions to ask before marriages

Quotes

References